


The One Where Satan Panics When Asked for a Name

by StarlightPhoenix



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley is Lucifer, Crowley is Satan (Good Omens), Gen, Humor, Identity Reveal, No Angst, Secret Identity, crowley is an idiot, hey that's a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-06-30 14:07:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19854781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlightPhoenix/pseuds/StarlightPhoenix
Summary: “Well, it must be bad,” the angel argued, and then paused expectantly.Since before he Fell, Lucifer knew panic. He felt it when he confronted God, when he Fell, when he realized the consequences. He felt it again, in the Garden of Eden, when the angel asked for his name.Lucifer? Of course not. The angel didn’t have his sword, but he was still a Principality, still fought in the War, could still call for the other three guardians.And the angel didn’t recognize him anyway. He was a far cry from his original beauty, he knew, unrecognizable from the other demons crawling in Hell–“Crawley.”





	The One Where Satan Panics When Asked for a Name

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by [this](https://cleverlittlejay.tumblr.com/post/188710128450/ok-so-you-know-how-in-miltons-paradise-lost-the) tumblr post saying how the airbase scene would be so funny if Crowley was Satan and went "Hey Adam. It's me. Ya dad."

Demons, for all their supposed evilness, were fairly new creatures. They were still learning what evil _meant,_ and Lucifer was only slightly more aware than the others. 

Whether or not he knew what evil meant, Lucifer knew he wanted the humans to fall out of favor with God, just as he did. And so, the humans needed to be tempted to do evil. And since none of the other demons really understood what that meant, Lucifer needed to do the job himself. 

He didn’t know if the angels guarding Eden were meant to keep demons out or the humans in. Either way, they did a horrible job. He slithered in, mimicking a creature God had named either snakes or serpents– _was there even a difference?_ –and two separate angels gave him a pat on the head and cooed at his lovely scales. 

Eve was easy to find and easier to tempt. Adam, seeing nothing happen when Eve took a bite, followed her example. 

He watched God cast out Adam and Eve, watched them venture out to see the rest of the world, watched an angel _hand them a flaming sword._

That one. He liked that one. 

He slithered over, transforming into something less serpentine and more… Angelic? Demonic? 

“Well, that went down like a lead balloon.”

The Principality gave an absent laugh, eyes drifting to the black wings. “Sorry, what was that?”

Lucifer smirked and repeated himself. 

It was, he told the Principality, an overreaction for such a small offense. Sure, the humans disobeyed God’s only rule, but it _was_ the first time. Lucifer was counting on it. By now, he had experience with God’s wrath. One offense was all it took. 

“Well, it must _be_ bad,” the angel argued, and then paused expectantly. 

Since before he Fell, Lucifer knew panic. He felt it when he confronted God, when he Fell, when he realized the consequences. He felt it again, in the Garden of Eden, when the angel asked for his name. 

Lucifer? Of course not. The angel didn’t have his sword, but he was still a Principality, still fought in the War, could still call for the other three guardians. 

And the angel didn’t recognize him anyway. He was a far cry from his original beauty, he knew, unrecognizable from the other demons crawling in Hell–

“Crawley.”

“Crawley. Otherwise, you–” the angel continued on. 

Crawley. Why. Of all the possible names, of all the possible combinations of letters and syllables, why did he say _Crawley._

The first drops of rain paused their conversation. Lucifer had never seen rain before, and as it fell down, he knew it wouldn’t be pleasant. Some rain would be gentle, of course, but not this rain. This rain was the beginning of the first storm. 

The rain stopped– 

No. The angel lifted a wing, protecting him from the rain. 

He glanced up at the white wings that were once like his. He glanced at the angel who smiled at him. 

He shuffled closer, letting the angel keep him dry. 

_Yes. He quite liked this one._

–

He stared. Hastur and Ligur stared back. The baby in the basket stared at the darkness of being in a basket at all.

“But… why me?”

He gave the baby to Beelzebub with the simple instructions of switching it with the American diplomat offspring. How did the baby end up with him again? If he wanted to deliver the baby himself, he would have. 

For six thousand years, he went between King of Hell and Crawley, later changing it to Crowley. He would report to Hastur as Crowley, and then the report would work its way up the chain of command until Beelzebub repeated the entire report to him as Satan. Lucifer made a point to be pleased with whatever Beelzebub told him, keeping “Crowley” in his good books for all the nefarious actions the “lower” demon did.

“They love you down there,” Hastur mocked. “And what an opportunity! Ligur would give his right arm to be you tonight.”

He will rip off Ligur’s right arm himself–

He took the basket. 

“I’ll be off, then.”

He tossed the baby–his son–into the passenger seat. The basket made a gurgling noise. 

“Oh, shut up,” he grumbled. “I’m not happy to see you either. Hope you like Queen.”

The Bentley sensed his displeasure, blasting Bohemian Rhapsody to drown out the wailing. Guess his kid didn’t like it. No matter. 

In less than an hour, he would hand the baby off again. 

“I didn’t even want you,” he said. “Really. But apparently, if angels can create the nephilim, I needed to use protection. See if I ever _make an effort_ again. It’s fine. You get to be a spoilt brat for eleven years and then I get to stab Michael for what she did to me. Aunty Michael.” Lucifer shuddered. “Oh, now _that’s_ a mental image.”

The Satanic chapel came into sight. Ambulances and police cars lined the front, the husband taking a smoke at the door. Lucifer couldn’t imagine a high status diplomat actually caring about the state of his trophy wife in labor. 

“You. Has it begun?”

The diplomat stammered out a few lines about it _almost nearly_ starting and the wife being in Room 3. 

He sauntered inside, waving the basket with enough force to make the tiny baby motion sick. It took no time to find a Satanic nun and hand off the baby again, making sure it got to Room 3. 

Really, it was such an easy job, impossible to screw up. Beelzebub could’ve used any demon to get the job done. 

He left the chapel, and then called Aziraphale. He really did not want the world to end. 

–

An easy job. Impossible to screw up. 

“No dog,” Aziraphale breathed.

“No dog,” he repeated.

“Wrong boy.” 

“Wrong boy.”

Warlock was human. 

How exactly did Lucifer misplace his son? Well, it’s not as if he spent a lot of time with the baby, counting toes and cooing at the little thing. In fact, the baby was in the basket entire time. So really, never having actually seen his child, he had no reason to believe Warlock wasn’t his son. 

Lucifer’s actual son was somewhere else. With the Hellhound. And will soon bring about the end of the world. 

Somehow, when everything was settled, he would find a way to blame Beelzebub for this. After all, this was an _easy job._ Surely _he_ wasn’t to blame. 

–

“You are a disobedient little brat,” Gabriel snapped. “And I hope someone tells your father!”

 _Well._ He wouldn’t say _disobedient._ Sure, random adults were telling Adam to start Armageddon, but stranger danger was an important life lesson. 

“Oh, they will,” Beelzebub answered. “And he will not be pleased.” 

He _was_ pleased. _Very_ pleased. He’d give the kid anything he wanted for his next birthday, since they were all going to live to see it.

Except–Beelzebub would try to find him in Hell, and he wasn’t exactly there at the moment, and he couldn’t just leave. 

“Actually–”

All eyes turned to him. Aziraphale pulled on his sleeve, a silent _shut up,_ but he ignored that. 

“You don’t really have to tell anyone, since, uh, his dad is here anyways.”

“Satan is not omnipotent,” Gabriel sniffed. “He isn’t all-knowing and all-present.”

“Right. No. Right.”

“You will pay, too, Crowley,” Beelzebub warned. “I will make sure our Lord hears of your treason.” 

“Right. Treason. Actually, about that!” Stalling. He was the King of Hell, Ruler of the Damned, the Great Beast, and he was stalling. 

“Crowley,” Aziraphale hissed. “It’s over.”

“It’s not treason! And I heard that you’re in trouble, Beelzebub! How did you screw this up? My son was supposed to grow up as the son of an American diplomat, not some random village called Tadfield! Who names a village Tadfield, anyways?”

Beelzebub stared. “Your son?”

Lucifer faltered, then turned to grin at Adam. “Hey. It’s me. Ya dad.”

Gabriel took a step back. 

Beelzebub took a step forward, looking him up and down. 

“Good job not ending the world,” he continued. “Your bedtime is never.”

“You’re… my dad?”

_“You’re Satan?”_

He glanced at Aziraphale. The angel was abnormally pale, sword shaking in his hands. 

“Uh. Surprise?”

There were too many people around. Everyone wanted a different conversation, and he only had one mouth. 

He turned to Gabriel and Beelzebub. “I _really_ don’t want the end of the world. So, how about you start getting the others to stand down, hmm? It should keep you busy. Best to start immediately.”

Gabriel had no choice. Without Earth being set on fire and signalling the Start of the End, there would be no war. He would report back to the others and call off the angels. 

Beelzebub looked ill. The King of Hell commanded his demons to step down, and who was the Lord of the Flies to contradict that order? And then there was his line of _you’re in trouble, Beelzebub._ Best to deal with the other demons and hope Lord Satan returned in a good mood.

Shadwell and Tracey meant nothing to him. They didn’t need to be brought up to speed. The random, unknown man and woman holding hands were just as irrelevant. 

His son, then. Adam Young. 

“Uh, hey.” 

“You’re my dad,” Adam repeated. 

“Yeah. Uh, sorry about all this. Didn’t really mean to start the end of the world. Glad you didn’t do it.”

Adam kept staring. He just found out that his father was Satan and he was adopted. He had questions, millions of them, all running through that small brain of his.

Why did you leave me?

Why did you come now?

Why do you want to save the world?

Why, why, why?

“You don’t have to like me, you know,” Lucifer offered. “I know you have another family. Should probably stay with them.”

“You’re not really my dad. You were never here.”

 _Well, I did nanny this one kid I thought was my son, but turns out he was just some random brat._

He shrugged. “That’s fair. I didn’t really do much. Don’t have to call me _dad_ or anything. That’s just awkward.”

Adam nodded. 

Good. Lucifer never wanted to be a dad anyways. 

_“You’re Satan!”_

Final conversation. 

“Surprise,” he repeated. 

“My dear, I knew you were _a_ fiend, but I never thought that you would be _The Fiend!”_

“I–Are you mad?”

“I should’ve seen it coming. Crowley isn’t a very demonic name. Very on-the-nose, if you will. You do realize, dear, that this changes everything?”

“Yeah,” he admitted. “It’s bad enough you were fraternizing with a regular old demon. When the others find out, they’ll…”

_Torture you. Cut off your wings and let you Fall. Kill you permanently and claim it was mercy._

“No, no!” Aziraphale exclaimed. “This means we can go out without Heaven and Hell on our tails! Surely both sides are terrified of you. One side would never disturb the King of Hell, and the angels must be busy with calling off the war.”

“Go… out?”

“Yes. A picnic. Dinner at the Ritz. Who would’ve thought that I’d accidentally befriend Satan.”

“Befriend?” Hadn’t the angel just suggested a date?

“Yes. Crowley or Lucifer or Anthony. You are my dearest friend.”

“Thanks, angel,” he smiled. “It means a lot knowing we’re still friends. And I’ll take you up on your offer for dinner.”

And he does. 

Satan and an angel walk into the Ritz. It’s not the beginning of a joke. It’s the beginning of a brand new world. 

**Author's Note:**

> What was this fic? A lot of fun to write haha!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are much appreciated! If you want to read more of this, [the tumblr post](https://cleverlittlejay.tumblr.com/post/188710128450/ok-so-you-know-how-in-miltons-paradise-lost-the) has some other fics linked too!  
> <3 <3
> 
> And if you want to talk more about GO, find me at [cleverlittlejay.tumblr.com](https://cleverlittlejay.tumblr.com/) and say hello!


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